Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Leaked Text of Bannon Executive Loyalty Order

The White House
Office of the Press Secretary
For Immediate Release


- - - - - - -
     By the authority vested in me as President of the United States by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, including section 301 of title 3, United States Code, and sections 3301 and 7301 of title 5, United States Code, it is hereby ordered as follows:
 Section 1.  Loyalty Pledge.  Every employee in every executive agency hired on or after January 20, 2017, shall sign, and upon signing shall be contractually committed to, the following pledge upon becoming an employee:
     "As a condition, and in consideration, of my employment in the United States Government in an executive branch position invested with the public trust, I commit myself to the following obligations, which I understand are binding on me and are enforceable under law:
 "1.  I will not, within 5 years after the termination of my employment in any executive agency in which I am chosen to serve, engage in political activity that acts counter to the stated policies and implicit purposes of the executive branch under which I served.
"2.  If, upon my departure from the Government, I am covered by the post-employment restrictions on communicating with employees of my former executive agency set forth in section 207(c) of title 18, United States Code, I agree that I will abide by those restrictions.
Section 2.  Executive Chain of Command Protocol Revision.  Effective ten business days from the signing of this order, the White House Office of Personnel will lorem ipsum blah dee blah dippity doo OK I stopped reading midway through the second paragraph because I don't have the patience to actually look at anything Steve Bannon puts in front of me, no matter how late Steve Bannon stays up working on it and how much real effort Steve Bannon puts in.  Which is why I'm signing my name to the following:
"1.  I hereby resign from the Presidency of the United States of America, effective immediately.  All executive powers for the period of the transition are hereby bequeathed to Steve Bannon.  The period of the aforementioned transition will be no less than twenty (20) years, or the lifetime of Steve Bannon, whichever comes last.
"2.  I hereby formally and forever declare that my hands are in the bottom decile of human manual physiology, being more like the hands of a pygmy marmoset somehow grafted onto the arms of a homo sapiens sapiens.  All public renderings (paintings/sculptures/pinatas) depicting my brief and misbegotten presidency must integrate this hideous deformity into my likeness.
"3.  I declare that my hair is a violation of the natural order of the universe, unlike Steve Bannon's elegantly graying, abundant, and remarkably impressive coiff, a glorious sweep of alpha male dignity which represents the kind of hair you find on the healthy scalps of real men who don't have something desperately wrong with their psyche.
"4.  I hereby formally direct my daughter Tiffany to go on at least ten (10) dates with Steve Bannon, who has the best hair in America, and who has noted repeatedly in my presence that she is by far the most attractive and "exotic" of my daughters.  Plus, she must dye her hair black and wear a Jasmine costume from Aladdin, so that she'll perfectly match the Jafar outfit Steve Bannon has started wearing to NSC meetings.
"5. It is formally decreed that Jafar is, in point of fact, the best of all Disney characters, hardly a villain at all.  Despite a terrible and misleading script, he's clearly the hero of "Aladdin."  Clearly.  He is strikingly handsome, cunning, and powerful, and really does have the security interests of Agrabah at heart.  In point of fact, he most resembles a young Steve Bannon, or Steve Bannon the way Steve Bannon still sees Steve Bannon in the mirror in the morning.  
"6. The Disney Corporation is hereby ordered to remake the motion picture Aladdin, and to entitle it: "Jafar: a Grand Vizier for the Ages."  It will be R-rated, mostly for the scenes between Jafar and Jasmine, who must be drawn to bear a remarkable resemblance to my daughter Tiffany Trump.
"6.  As I always skim every document and stop at section three and go, hmmm, interesting, as I pretend that I've read it, every single freakin' time at section three like Steve Bannon doesn't notice and struggle not to roll his eyes, here we go:
"Section 3. Waiver.  (a)  The President or his designee may grant to any person a waiver of any restrictions contained in the pledge signed by such person.
     (b)  A waiver shall take effect when the certification is signed by the President or his ok I've gotten bored and started watching Hannity again.
Section 4.  National Bannon/Jafar Day.  It is hereby decreed that President's Day is to be renamed "Bannon/Jafar Day."
(a) Bannon/Jafar Parade.  On every Bannon/Jafar Day, the nation will celebrate Bannon/Jafar day with a great parade through the nation's capital.  At least one hundred (100) elephants will be provided, upon the largest of which Steve Bannon shall ride dressed as the great Jafar with Tiffany Trump (as Jasmine, in the aforementioned costume) on his lap.
(b)  My Bannon/Jafar Day Costume.  On every Bannon/Jafar Day, I, former president Donald J. Trump, must by the provision of this executive order be dressed as Iago, Jafar's obnoxious parrot.  I must follow behind the elephants cleaning up, all the while grumbling and saying things like, "Bigly!  Bigly! AAAACK," like I'm just a parrot and I don't really actually know how to talk, even though I do.  Barely.
(c) Alright, we're getting near the end and I always make a very public show of reading the last bit, not that I have a clue what any of it means, so:
     Section 5.  General Provisions.  (a)  To the extent that this order is inconsistent with any provision of any prior Executive Order, this order shall control.
     (b)  If any provision of this order or the application of such provision is held to be invalid, the remainder of this order and other dissimilar applications of such provision shall not be affected.
     (c)  This order is not intended to, and does not, create any right or benefit, substantive or procedural, enforceable at law or in equity by any party (other than by the United States) against the United States, its departments, agencies, or entities, its officers, employees, or agents, or any other person.
     (d)  The definitions set forth in this order are solely applicable to the terms of this order, and are not otherwise intended to impair or affect existing law.
     (e)  Nothing in this order shall be construed to impair or otherwise affect:
(1)  the authority granted by law to an executive department, agency, or the head thereof; or
(2)  the functions of the Director of the Office of Management and Budget relating to budgetary, administrative, or legislative proposals.
     (f)  This order shall be implemented consistent with applicable law and subject to the availability of appropriations.