Sunday, February 12, 2017

Donald and Melania: An American Love Story for the Ages

Dear K-

This is that book project I was telling you about, the one that just fell in my lap. So here's the pitch:

No-one who sees them together can miss it.  Of all of the lovers in the history of human love, Donald and Melania are unique.  Their love, a verdant field of spring flowers in bloom. Their love, as warm and radiant as the summer sky.   Their love, the glory of the woods in autumn, the soft silence of a winter snowfall. Their love, so perfect the angels weep for joy in heaven.  

To see them together makes the knees buckle at the sheer intensity of their passion, of the unfathomable depth of their caring, two souls, intertwined as one, destined for one another from the dawn of time.

Romeo and Juliet?  Wesley and Buttercup?  Gomez and Morticia? Hah. They are but flickering, faint, battery-powered tea candles against the glorious golden sun of Donald and Melania's love.

What mother does not hold her infant son in her arms and whisper, one day, my child, I want you to be loved as Donald is loved? What father does not see his daughter blossoming into her womanhood and not say, oh, my child, one day you shall find your Donald?

How could such a perfect thing be, America asks, as we together swoon at the sight of their touch?  How could their divine paragon of storybook romantic bliss have ever taken shape in a cruel and heartless world?

There's a cover story, of course.  We've all heard it.  But I now know the true-truth, the real-truth, the secret story of their love that Kellyann Conway may or may not have whispered to me as she mistakenly drunk-skyped me at two-thirty in the morning last Thursday.  This happens all the time in DC lately.

I found it hard to believe, at first, but it was Kellyann, so I know it must be true.

There's a runaway bestseller in this, I'm sure of it, and if we can get to market with it quick, it'll blow the doors off the Valentine's Day book-gift market next year.

I've enclosed the standard format book proposal. We'll talk soon!



Donald and Melania: An American Love Story for the Ages

1) Summary:
It begins, of course, with a gypsy curse.

The year is 1945. Fred, a wealthy New York real estate developer, is tearing down a tenement in Queens to make room for new apartments.    As he evicts the tenants, one of old gypsy woman...hisses these words at him as she is dragged away:  "Till he ze hand of True Love Takes, He vill... sometink... sometink....makes.  Ach, the hell with rhyming!  He vill haff TINY Hands!  Tiny Haaaaaaands!"

Those words haunt his nightmares, nightmares that come true when his otherwise perfect firstborn son Donald is born with impossibly small hands.   GI Joe Action figure hands, and not them man-doll 70's action figures, neither. Little plastic mini-figure hands. Tiny, tiny, preemie-baby-lemur hands.

The best surgeons can do nothing.  Though Fred spares no expense to provide his beloved son with atomic-age clockwork prosthetics, he knows the curse can only be overcome by true love's hand in marriage.

Fred tells his son the truth of the curse on his deathbed. Suddenly aware of the truth, Donald begins a lifelong quest to find true love. Donald--now a charming, debonair man of international adventure with perfect hair--travels the globe with his nuclear steampunk cyborg hands,  driven always by his father's dying wish to reverse the curse.

Donald samples all the women the world has to offer, countless women, very very beautiful, all of course completely willing and entirely receptive to his advances. But none of them, not one, are his true love. It's a mighty struggle, just as hard as fighting a ground war in Southeast Asia, but he forges on, a man possessed.

He marries, sure it is love, then marries again, but to no avail. Decades of earnestly seeking, yet the curse remains. Then, just when all hope seems lost, true love! But there are sinister forces at work, dark powers seeking to stop Donald from gaining the big love hands that could one day unite America...nay, the love.

Donald and Melania is the very, very true and entirely factual story of this magical journey, a trail of hope, romance, and high adventure that leads to a love for the ages, a beacon for lovers everywhere.

2) Chapter Outline:

Chapter 1) Daddy and the Gypsy Curse

Chapter 2)  The Boy with Tiny Hands.  So Sad!

Chapter 3)  Robot Hands for Christmas.  The Best!

Chapter 4)  Donald Makes His Fortune With No Help.

Chapter 5)  Daddy's Deathbed: The Curse Explained!

Chapter 6)  "But I Must Grab You There!  It May Lift My Curse!": The Wharton Years

Chapter 7)  Is it Ivana? The Hands? Unchanged!  True love? NOPE!

Chapter 8) That Little Girl By the Side of the Road?  She can't be more than SEVEN!  But those EYES!  Could it be HER!?  IMPOSSIBLE!

Chapter 9)  Is it Marla?  Still Not Right.  Not true love? UNACCEPTABLE!

Chapter 10)   The Quest Continues: Perhaps She Is One of These Slovenian Strippers!

Chapter 11)  The Little Girl!  NOW ALL GROWN UP!  MELANIA!  Love? TRUE LOVE!

Chapter 12)  The Wedding Planned!  ALMOST THERE!


Chapter 14)  Melania: Prisoner of Belgian Vampire EU Bureaucrats?  Bad Dudes!  ONLY HE CAN SAVE HER!

Chapter 15) Donald and Bannon Put a Team Together.  THE BEST!

Chapter 16)  Melania Rescued!  Hero!

Chapter 17) True Love!  Marriage! The Curse Lifted!  Hands, now the Biggest!  So Big!

3) Author Biographical Information

The author is an American who loves America.  He loves a great America, an America where flags fly and the air is rich with the smell of fresh baked apple pie.  He loves an America where big rear-drive cars with V8 engines ply perfect, empty roads that wind through purple mountain majesties.  He loves an America where the rumble of his Harley Davidson Twin Cam 88 Dyna Glide throbs as he rides through the cool desert night in the moonlight, his fine lady pressed warm against his back.

He loves an America filled with big bright dreams and city-light striving.  He loves an America filled with fresh faced country girls smiling from the beds of pickup trucks, as their strapping boyfriends hold the wheel in their calloused, honest hands.  He loves an America that stands tall and proud, an America that reaches up with her big hands and touches the stars.

A full resume is available upon request.

4) Platform/Marketing

What, are you kidding me?  All of America is crying out for this book.   Totally sells itself.  Every American, everywhere, will buy it.   Because we're all about love.  True love!  It's what has always made America great!