Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Sixteen Types of People You'll Find In Hell

  • (a repost from my old xanga site, upon request)
    I've always been fond of the Myers-Briggs personality test.  It's got some nice depth to it, and while it isn't a perfect instrument, it does beat astrological signs when you're trying to come to understand a person and their motivations.  That's primarily because it's...well...real.  It interweaves the way we approach the world with our processes of decisionmaking in a way that I find really quite elegant.

    But as I've used and taken the test over the years, I've been struck by something.  The personality descriptions for each of the 16 different types in the Myers Briggs test are all described as basically..well...functional.  Being the Calvinist that I am, I'm bothered by this.  Aren't we all...fallen?  Irredeemable sinners worthy of the fires of heck, no matter what our personality type?

    In an interesting coincidence, I learned from my recent readings in the field of demonology that Satan actually uses the Myers Briggs to sort sinners into the different planes of Hell.  Take the test yourself by following this link, then check below for your Hell Personality Type:

    Hopelessly stern while simultaneously uncommunicative.  Obsessed with order, rules, and obedience.  Can tune others out completely.  Prone to quietly supporting fundamentalism, fascism, or other oppressive systems.  Finds current implementation of death penalty too "namby pamby."  As relentless as an automaton, grinding over the skulls of those who oppose them.  How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

    Likes doing dangerous things, or whatever makes them feel good in the moment…like, say, meth, but only if heroin and cheap wine are unavailable.  Likes the adrenaline rush they get bungee jumping naked from their hang-glider.  Thinks mostly with their lizard brain. Uses higher brain function mostly to pick locks and/or hack your computer to get at your credit card information.  Will have no qualms popping a cap into you when the need or whim arises. 

    A hopeless patsy.  Does whatever you tell them.  Usually puts the needs of others above their own needs, which makes them prone to working themselves to death just because the boss needs that memo really badly.  Terrified of the unknown or the different or the stranger.   Keeps their surroundings obsessively tidy.  Worries endlessly about what others think, to the point of madness.  Makes an excellent house slave.

    A quivering mass of terror.  Drops into a fetal ball whenever there’s even the slightest whiff that someone might not like them.   Can be like a sad little puppy who follows other people around. Hypersensitive, and prone to mooning over mediocre watercolors or self-indulgently abstract sculpture. Useless in a crisis, as is completely unable to come to a decision and stick with it.  Artsy, but in an annoyingly scattered way.  Completely unprepared for what tomorrow may bring.

    Live only for themselves and their own hopelessly convoluted “understanding” of the world.  Will cling doggedly to lost causes and/or tilt against windmills with a single-mindedness that would embarrass Don Quixote.  Subtle as a serpent and emotionally manipulative.  Approaches the world using arcane standards that only they grasp and that they’re never quite able to articulate. Can appear “wise,” and knows how to work that misconception to their advantage.  A relentless egoist, wrapped up so deeply in their own emo world that you may as well not exist at all.

    Incompetent neer-do-well. Spends all their time thinking about important things to do and writing about important things to do, but never actually ever does anything.  Imagines they’re important.  Has vast array of ideals, all of which they fail to live up to or express in their day to day life. Prone to succumbing to cult leaders and/or following hopeless political causes, ie: Ron Paul/Ralph Nader.  Appears to be easygoing, but will surprise you with the suddenness with which they lash out when you question the basic insanity of their worldview.

    Quietly developing a robot army to conquer and dominate the world, a plan to which they’ve dedicated their entire lives.  Finds the processes of eating and breathing to be irritating distractions.   Does not tolerate lesser mortals, and would go mad if asked to contemplate the light playing across a dew-speckled leaf at sunrise.  What does not kill them makes them stronger…than you.  Will assume that dominance over you is their right, unless you are unusually skilled at martial arts or can beat them at chess.  Would make an excellent Sith.

    Lives utterly within the realm of obsessive, pointless study.   Gloms on to the ethereal and dithering minutia, and couldn’t care less about practical realities.  So wrapped up in their own little world that they may not have showered in several weeks.  They don’t care.  You do not exist for them. Either that, or you are too stupid to be anything other than an annoyance that should go away as soon as possible so that they can retreat back into the world that they’ve created for themselves.  May as well be an inanimate object.

    Wants what they want, and they want it right now.  Yesterday?  They don’t remember it.  Tomorrow?  It doesn’t matter.  Prone to maxing out their credit cards and/or getting venereal diseases. Thinks Adam Sandler movies are the height of cinema.  Gossipy and trivial, they’ll take the money from any wallet they find on the street before returning it…assuming they don’t decide on the spur of the moment just to keep the thing. Ooh!  It’s so pretty!  Will try to sell you all kinds of pointless crap you don’t need.

    Utterly conventional American suburbanite, whose moments of greatness came in high school.  Tends towards jockliness and mindless physicality.  Completely lacks imagination, to the point at which it’s not clear if they’re human or some kind of animatronic device that escaped from Disney World.  Sees the world in simple terms, and if female tends to be the kind of relentless drudge who takes over most local organizations.  If male, will happily give you a swirly/wedgie.

    Endlessly, distractingly chirrupy.  Hopelessly hypersocial, the sort of person with 3,700 Facebook friends they don’t really know.  Easily amused by fart jokes and unembarrassed by the crazy stupid things they do when drinking.  Flit from thing to thing to thing without a care in the world.  Aren’t good at math, and don’t read the news, unless InStyle and/or Maxim count as news.  Volunteered once, but never stuck with it.   Insists on being the center of attention, mostly through their highly loud and annoying laughing at unfunny things.  May overtly worship Oprah.

    Really, really wants everyone to like them.  Unspeakably tedious to be around, as have no ideas of their own. Tend towards reflexive patriotism and the use of flag/doily/feng shui-based decorating.  Faithful reader of PARADE magazine.  Very emotionally needy, and may be prone to repeated bouts of cosmetic surgery or relationships with sociopathic people from whom they hopelessly struggle to get affirmation that will never come.

    Your “fun” uncle who never got around to growing up and makes your mom crazy.  Tend toward medieval reenactment as a hobby/profession.  Utterly unable to get motivated to do their taxes/pay their bills/raise their children.  Remember the story about the busy ant and the grasshopper?  This one is the grasshopper.  Sings all day when the going is good in summer, but when the winter comes, it’s grasshopsicle time.  Will end up living on your sofa.

    Serious drama queen.   No inner life, and thus immune to things like conventional psychoanalysis. Being alone with own thoughts terrifying. Utterly unable to get beyond their own paralyzing hyperemotional responses to a situation.   Can be completely overbearing.  You are unlikely to get in a word edgewise.   High maintenance.   So consumed by their terror at not meeting the perceived needs of others that at times it seems they don’t exist at all.

    That annoying guy on the high school debate team.  Knows it all, and tells you so.  Will never admit that you are right, not even for a second, even if they know you are.  So busy deconstructing everyone and everything around them that they never actually finished high school, and may not ever finish a complete sentence. That doesn’t stop them from talking, though. Oh, how they love to talk.

    Totally, utterly full of themselves.  Take over every group they encounter. Tend to be management consultants.  Great at convincing your boss that they know all the latest business paradigms, and are equally great at spouting off the most potent buzzwords. Will inevitably come to the conclusion that you are dead wood and aren’t adequately motivated and/or educated and/or competent.  Will be sure you’re fired during the next round of downsizing.