Tuesday, October 2, 2018

De Nile is a River in Egypt

An Open Letter to My Fellow Egyptians

From Amen-Ra, Chief Press Adviser, Court of Ramses


You guys need to get a grip.  Everywhere I go these days, I hear people panicking, going on and on like it's the end of the world.  This is nothing more than hysteria, plain and simple, and if you stopped for a moment to really think about it, you'd see things like I do.

I mean, the word on the street is that somehow this has something to do with the Hebrews, and not "letting them go."

But do you have any idea what impacts "letting them go" would have on the economy?  You can't just abandon slaves like that.  Our whole system of production and transportation relies on human chattel.  Who'd be left to build?  Who'd be left to cook and clean?  Who'd be left to slop through the mud in the fields?   It'd be a catastrophe.  Clearly, that kind of radical change is not possible.  An ideal, perhaps.  But right now we can't be wrapped up in impractical, pie-in-the-sky dreaming.

If that's what this were, but honestly, it isn't.  It's more pernicious than that.

Honest free-thinking Egyptians can't buy in to the hysteria fomented by Moses and his cronies, who are clearly manufacturing this "crisis" for their own benefit.  Think for yourselves!

I mean, let's look at this with a critical eye.

So the Nile turned red, and there was a big fish die off.  I mean, this happens all the time.  Totally normal.  Dead fish are always washing up places, and sometimes when there's a big rain upriver, the clay washes into the water and it looks red.  Not blood.  And sure, a friend of your uncle swears the water was really blood, but he's the same guy who swears Osiris told him to invest in five wheeled chariots, and we know how that worked out.

Next thing, y'all are panicked by frogs.  I mean, frogs.  We live by a river.  Of course there are frogs.  Sometimes more.  Sometimes a lot more.  But really, is that any cause for freaking out?  No.

Then there were those mosquitoes.  I mean, yeah, annoying, but totally normal.   Nothing to see.  Did I mention before that we LIVE BY A RIVER?  Sweet Bouncing Baby Bast, what's wrong with you people?

Then your cow got sick, and your neighbors goat died.  Which is sad for the cows, and not great for the economy, I'll admit, but sickness just happens.  What, you think cows don't get sick sometimes?   That, plus boils?  It's not any fun.  Granted.  I'm no fan of boils.   But when was the last time you went ten minutes without seeing a skin disease?  We live in the bronze age, for Ra's sake.  Most of us are mud encrusted 24/7, and that mud ain't clean.  Half the time, I'm not sure it even is mud, if you know what I'm saying.

The hail thing?  Hail on fire?   That was pretty weird.  I was a little baffled myself at first.  But there's a totally reasonable explanation.  Clearly, it was one of those shooting stars, one that collided with Ra's mighty sun chariot on the way down.  The more that I think about it, the more obvious it is.  That happens all the time.

And, yeah, it's been a little weird here in the darkness.  But Ra does what Ra wants, and if he's taking a break, that's just what the gods do.  And anyway, that totally works with my chariot theory, which...let me tell you...is also shared by many people who know what they're talking about.  Don't panic.  Don't curse the darkness.  Just light an oil lamp, and carry on.  Really, it's nothing at all unusual.

Things just are what they are, and this is all completely normal.  The very last thing we need to do now is change our pattern of life just because some rabblerouser types are creating a false narrative about "Yahweh" and "destruction."  We know they're just doing it out of self-interest, and to sabotage our Egyptian way of life.  Which we love!  Why should we change?  I can think of a thousand reasons why we shouldn't.

This whole "nine plagues" thing is just a manufactured, overhyped, and completely false narrative.  Believe me.

As the firstborn son of an old and noble family, you can trust me on this.