Thursday, July 21, 2016

Six Reasons Why I'm Voting for Donald Trump


I am, without reservation and hesitation, casting my vote for Donald Trump in 2016.

Why?

There are many reasons, but let me sum them up with six, because, well, six is my favorite number:

1) Donald Trump's Unerring Judgment.  He never errs.  Not ever.  Nothing he does, so far as he is concerned, is ever an error.  If something goes wrong, this is someone else's fault, and he'll berate or fire them.  If something he says is materially incorrect, he simply refutes reality itself.  He does so with complete certainty, with such total confidence that even I sometimes get taken in.  His correctness bends and shapes the dynamics of reality around him, folding the universe into a shimmering mirage of perfection.

I honestly can't believe how well he does it.  It's amazing.  The best.  I can barely do it that well myself.

2) Donald Trump is a gifted storyteller.   Donald, oh, he does this so well too.  You create a story around yourself, a brand.  Of course, it isn't the real you.  It isn't real at all.  But it draws people in, makes them imagine that you're something you're not, allows them to project their frustrated dreams onto the blank canvas of the brand-image you're presenting.

You don't even begin to realize how useful that is until you've done it yourself.

Even better are the stories you create about others, and at that, Trump is the best.  Even his name means to make up stories about someone.

"Trumping up," it's called, and Donald does it so well it might as well have been named after him.  In fact, it probably was.  There's no way you can prove otherwise.

To Trump up against someone, you hint, darkly, that "people say" things about them.  You nod sadly, and mention that "they say" your enemy committed a crime, or your opponent isn't who he says he is.  You call a person a liar, or belittle them, or create a false persona for them that you pitch out as if it were real.  That story comes to define that person, at least to those who embrace it.

There's no truth in that at all, of course, but what is truth?  What possible relevance can truth have, when what we want isn't reality?  Who wants reality?  Reality is boring.  What we want is that story that affirms us in who we are, that makes us proud and bold, that gives us the feels.

And gives someone to hate.

3) Donald Trump is strong. You can tell he's strong.  I mean, look how easily he takes down his opponents.  Look at how he belittles them, mocks them, tears them apart.  Seeing him destroy weak and stupid people makes us feel good.  His threats to sue or attack anyone who crosses him show that he knows how to keep a situation under his control.  Seeing him fluster those who are too weak and short sighted to step outside of the bounds of propriety and human decency is just amazing.

He speaks in strong simple words, words that are nice and clear and uncomplicated.  Strong men do that.  Strong men don't want to complicate things, because that makes them seem weak and ineffectual.  Best to keep things simple.

And he has that plane.  And all that money and those giant houses.  And those women, all the women he wants, younger and hotter every time.

What matters is strength and confidence.  What matters is power.  He's got that.  So strong.  The strongest.

4) Donald Trump is a disruptive leader.  He really is.  "Apocalyptic," even.  Everything doesn't work any more, he declares, and you need me to bust it apart.  He's a bearer and bringer of chaos, a tearer-down of things, a shatterer of the status quo.  You never know what he's going to do.  Why?  Because he never knows what he's going to do.  From one moment to the next, he does just what feels good at that moment.  It's all gut, all the time.

That's a huge part of his appeal, particularly to people who are angry and feel left out of the system.  "Blow it all up," they say.

This is exactly right.  I used to work in a place where my former boss--my Opponent--was big into bringing order out of chaos.  I hate that.  It's more fun to tear things apart, to shatter them, to rip everything apart.

It feels good.  So good.  Liberating.  Powerful.

5) Donald Trump understands what is most important to me about Christianity.  What matters in American name it and claim it faith is that you're great.  That you're perfect.  That you never need apologize for anything, and that you're always right.  It's big and shiny and proud and bold, and keeps you hungry for the material blessings you just know you deserve.  Just demand it, and the universe will serve it up.  It's simple, just a few simple sayings, all about you and being blessed.

What matters is that you not actually listen to that delusional carpenter's son and the terrible advice he had about how to live your life.  That's all garbage.

Blessed are the poor?  Oh, come on.  Poverty sucks.  Donald knows this.  Power and wealth are where you want to be.  Blessed are the meek?  Please.  The meek are just weak and worthless.  Give me a go-getter, a fierce fighter who knows what he wants and goes for it.

And love your enemy?  C'mon.  Enemies are for hating.  That's why they're called enemies.    You have to have an enemy, so you can rouse the passions of your people.  You have to have an enemy that you can use to personify your hate, that you can project all of your brokenness onto so that your followers stay angry and motivated.  Loving them?  No.  You never love them.  My friend Saul Alinsky knew the truth of that.  That was why he dedicated his little book to me.

Without the rage that comes from that hate, life just gets...boring.

Peace is so boring.

6) President Donald Trump means that America will go to Hell.  This is, obviously, my big one.  My goal. America, as a nation, annoys me.  It's not because you're selfish and ignorant and hateful.  I'm fine with that.  That serves my purposes.  Keep doing that.

It's because you Americans also have this irritating tendency to care for one another, to find the things that are wrong with your culture and fix them, to strive for the stars, and to welcome the stranger.  It's because you blend cultures, that you insist on at least attempting to be a noble people.  It's because you're practical, grounded, and hopeful.  It's because you value the freedom of your neighbor to do as they please, because of that blasted Constitution and those daydreaming "Founding Fathers."

Ugh.  Now I've got Hamilton in my head, and I seriously can't stand that musical.

But a screaming, divided, selfish America, one that has no idea what it is doing but confidently blunders on deeper into the swamp? A short-tempered angry America that boos and howls like a mob for the blood of opponents?  An America that turns her back on "free" societies and finds common cause with the strong men of the world?  Oh, that will be simply delicious.

Because before you know it, things will fall apart.  And without a grasp on reality, and an absence of my Opponent's pesky influence, things will stay a broken, snarling, hateful mess.  When your method is tearing people down, finding enemies, creating lies and delusions and living as if they were real, things stay broken.  Forever.

Which is my goal, my reign, right here.  I can just open up the gates of my Kingdom, and stroll right on in to yours.  At that point, there won't be much difference.

So.  Trump 2016!  He has my vote.  And he should have yours.

Sincerely, Your Friend and Master,

Satan

2 comments:

  1. this is was a great post until the postcript,

    "Sincerely, Your Friend and Master,

    Satan"

    sucked the life our of this well written sarcastic piece.

    ReplyDelete