Thursday, March 19, 2015

I Have A Dog That Is A Cat

My dog is a cat.

There she is.  Clearly, she is a cat.

I realize that you might not have the sophistication to realize this, and that you might hold the reactionary and oppressive delusion that just because you label an animal as a "dog," it must fit to your stereotypical and outdated assumptions about "dogness" and "catness."

But this is simply because you are not as smart as me.  In your ignorance, you have chosen to remain mired in culturally-mediated bias, in which you have clung to backwards and shallow thinking about what dogs and cats are.

Let me explain this to you, simply, because, obviously, you do not share my remarkable insight into the true reality of my "dog."

My "dog" is a quadruped, a trait that is a clear indication of a cat.  She has fur, which, again, makes my assertion that she is a cat even more trenchant.  When I call my "dog," she often looks at me listlessly, or fails to respond entirely, choosing to stare out the window instead.    Can you imagine anything more catlike?  She likes to be petted, but only sometimes, and on her own terms.  How much clearer can it be?  My "dog" is a cat.

What?  You are unconvinced?  Sigh.  I will go on, although I find your willfulness tiresome.

Some of you have argued, from your shallow and limited understanding of biology, that dogs are genetically different from cats.  You have pointed out, in your simplistic way, that canis lupis familiaris occupies a distinct and separate place in classical taxonomy from felis silvestrus catus.

First, let me say that I am offended at the inherently oppressive character of that statement.  What right does Linneaus have to define what is "dog" and what is "cat?"

But I also know that science is on my side.  Having quickly googled it, I know that my "dog" shares eighty-two percent of her genetic material with the animals we both know as cats.  Eighty two percent!  That's a clear majority.  Genetically, my "dog" is mostly a cat, which entirely justifies my statement.   

See how right I am?  It cannot be denied, because Science.  Just...Science.


You still think I'm wrong?  Clearly, we need to end this conversation.  You have so much growing and learning to do, and I simply do not have the time to continue working you through your clearly deep-seated issues.

And anyway, I need to go walk my cat.